The Needy Child: With Playing
With the start of the weaning off to self-play, there are 5 steps I learned from all the parenting books I've read. Dr. Sears ...[ who is the theorist of Attachment Parenting... ] said in his article "helping toddlers ease into Independence" said:
"Best odds for a "the child" developing a healthy sense of self is for the baby to separate from the mother and not the mother from the "the child".... Try to achieve the delicate balance between maintaining the connection and encouraging self-reliance....become a facilitator. You are like a battery charger when the little dynamo needs emotional refueling. One moment he is shadowing you, ... .[ and when his security gas tank is full].... he is darting away. Toddlers who behave best are those that find the balance of attaching and exploring as they go from security to novelty. Your job as facilitator is to help the child achieve that balance. That's the partnership you and your toddler negotiate.... A child must pass through three stages:
Dependence: "You do it for me.
Independence: "I do it myself."
Interdependence: "We do it." This is the most mature stage. The child has the drive to accomplish a feat by himself but has the wisdom to ask for help to do it better. "
Source:"http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/attachment-parenting/helping-toddler-ease-independence
Some parents are egret to get to the independence stage already! That is reasonably understood. Your child needs to take small milestones to get there though.
When she asks you to play with her, asks yourself - " Do I WANT to or not." What you may perceive as a need to escape may actually be a need for you to give yourself more nurturing. That's okay. If that is the case, distract her with (I HATE TO SAY IT BUT a movie) or something... (any side ideas on excellent distractions would be helpful.. just leave me a comment !!!)
Anyways, Those distractions won't be necessary for long. Hopeful most times you feel up to it. And if you do, do this:, think for a sec and say to her these exact words: "Okay, I am not busy." Because one day you WILL be busy and this helps her differentiate between the two times. Then "play" in the way of engaging play.
How to do engaging play:
There are three ways to do engaging play. 1.) ONLY narrating or "sportscasting" (AKA say what you see them doing)," You put the red block on the green one", 2.) state your feelings "I would be cold if I was that Barbie with no cloths on" or 3.) ask questions, "You are feeding your doll what are you going to feed her next?" Avoid, playing like you use to, the way she plays with her friends. Those times will come back when she learns how to play by herself! Remember this is called engaging play, not normal play. You are not really playing, but she thinks you are. IF she catches on, play the normal way and slowly inch your way back to the new way.
After mastering engaging play -Start the weaning off process:
Step 1: When you are doing 100% engaging play, gradually say less and less. Just watching her. Let's say she is stacking blocks and the blocks tumble. If she doesn't look towards you, it's probably best not to say anything or even assume that this is a problem. If she does look toward you, or perhaps you hear her groan, you would then narrate, ask a question, or comment depending on what happened.
Step 2: Next don't paying attending to her play until that something happens.
Step 3: Then slowly inch your body away from her periodically making eye contact or a brief comment. (DO NOT SAY "you are playing nicely by yourself" YOUR POINT is NOT to bring that to her attention!) IF she catches on at any time, just go back to the previous step and slowly inch your way forward the steps again.
Step 4: When you relies that you yourself are able to get distracted for long periods of time without making those brief eye contact or comments, go to the next room, then...few days later, try a room further room.
At any of these steps, if she catches on at any time, just go back a step. Also, it is important to do the old playing once in the while as you are weaning her off of you. However, NOT NEARLY as often as the new way. You both need that quality time and the way I described to you is not so much that. If after a while and she goes back to her old ways, Try to figure out why she is staying so close. Does she feel ill? Have you been distracted or too busy to give her any attention today, so you can then refuel her "contentedness tank" with some time together, and she'll be off on her own again soon. Was there just a loss in the family...a fight with a friend? There are many many many reasons a child can feel "needy". Your job is to find it out ,and work it out with them. That may just mean because of this life odd thing, she might need a little TLC for a while. If after some time has passed, and you just can't seem to figure her out, OR she is still regressed back to her staying close to you, even though you did the steps once again, then maybe there is a deeper problem. That is for a child psychologist (my recommendations a play therapist) to help her with finding out what's going on.
And quoting Dr. Sears, "Learning to be interdependent ties in with the child learning to be responsible. When children get used to seeking help from other persons, they naturally learn to consider the effects of their behavior on others. Truly happy and healthy persons are neither dependent nor independent; they are interdependent."
